I left off on my new job the 3rd kidney surgery for my now broken up kidney stone. I was truly happy with my new job. After spending so many years feeling worthless and believing all the negative things that were ingrained in me about myself (mostly from my dad and my abusive brother), it was so refreshing to get the positive feedback. I loved getting up everyday and going to my job. The people were wonderful, and so appreciative of my work and assistance. It was/is a small company, only about 9 employees in the office, but it was my safe place. Sometimes I worked late, just so I didn’t have to go home!
When I did go home it was back to reality of verbal/physical abuse. On New Year’s Day 2003, not even sure why it happened, but something totally set my brother off. I remember him throwing a remote control at me and breaking it, then getting so mad when I got upset. He spent the next hour tormenting me. Hitting me, yelling at me… spitting on me. There was one point that he had my wrists held so tight, I couldn’t get away. I slipped and sort of landed on his leg. I could feel that if I just bounced a little bit, I could probably break his leg. I thought about it, but didn’t do it. I remember once I got away from him… I ran out of the house barefooted with spit filled hair and w/my car keys, I was wearing a short night shirt and cut off shorts, it was so cold and it was raining. I was just driving around crying. I didn’t have anywhere to go… the way I was dressed with no shoes and no coat, I couldn’t even go to get fast food, so I just drove and drove. I eventually went back home, much later that night. Luckily, he wasn’t there, so I just went to bed… I was definitely upset, and would have loved not coming back, but as I said I had no where to go. The next day at work, I didn’t feel nearly as happy to be there. It was a traumatizing experience. I couldn’t believe that was how my new year started. I was living at home in an abusive situation and in my thirties. As time went on the shame of the incident, kind of lessened, and things kind of went back to normal… I was enjoying going to work and dreading going home, but luckily the physical abuse part was not as bad, the mental abuse never really got any better.
During this time of gaining confidence in myself, through my job. I went in for a CT scan of my kidney for my next surgery to finish removing the stone pieces that remained. When I went in for the results of the scan, my local kidney Dr. (not the one that did my surgery) told me there was an abnormality and that it could possibly be cancer, but most likely it wasn’t. I had to have a few other tests. I just wanted answers as scared as I was to actually get them. That was a crazy couple of weeks, the Dr not getting back to me and just the agony of not knowing. It felt like he was giving me the run around. Later in that second week, he called me at work and told me I had Renal Cell Carcinoma (kidney cancer). I remember completely breaking down at my desk. Crying out loud… I was so scared. One of my closest co-workers, who had become a friend heard me and came out to comfort me. The whole thing seemed surreal. I didn’t want to believe it. I did go to the surgeon at the prestigious hospital that did my kidney stone surgeries for a 2nd opinion He was a Dr. that I trusted completely. My boss and a good friend (that I have know since I was 14) went with me, it was about an hour away.
My surgeon confirmed that I did have cancer. He also said since it was the kidney that had been operated on for the stone multiple times, it was not worth trying to save it. He felt the best thing was just to remove the whole kidney. It was made even scarier by the fact that I was diabetic. I was over 300 lbs, diabetic (type 2) and losing a kidney. I remember on the way back from the hospital, my friends that went with me, were talking to me in silly voices, pretending they were my good kidney… saying “you need to take care of me… I’m the only good kidney you’ll have.” It did make me laugh… which I needed, but I realized what they were saying was so true. I needed to get my weight down and my sugars under control, so that I didn’t end up killing my good kidney. You’d think that really would have been motivating, but I was so focused on the negative and whether I would even survive surgery, that I didn’t do much of anything but worry and eat! It was a scary time. I remember that my Notary Public Certificate arrived when I looked at the expiration date, all I could think of was, I hope I don’t expire before this does!
My surgeon (a wonderful Dr. and man), removed my kidney, by something he called morstlizing, (not sure I really even want to know what that means)… it was done laproscopically. It was a relief to be cancer free… my mom was a big support then at the hospital so far from home.. she also took care of me after. Unfortunately, it was weeks off from my job and being at home 24/7. Luckily, my bro wasn’t too mean during that time. I felt lonely and disconnected from the world. The fear of more cancer seemed to occupy my mind all the time. But, I did make it through and back to work, which was a relief. My eating was still out of control, as it has been most of my adult life… My Diabetes, kind of took over, I was on massive doses of Insulin (which I had never needed before). I felt like I was trying to self-destruct… Something I feel like I’ve spent my whole life doing!
I am still hoping that maybe this blog can help me come to terms with my past and move on and lose the weight, that holds me back from so much and keeps me so isolated and lonely… I will be back with more of my craziness! Thanks for listening (reading)!
taraloki 